The past couple years have been quite a trip - and not the good kind. Without going into too much detail, you have your basic garden-variety cancer, shit jobs, relationship go crash-and-burn, split L.A., yada yada yada. In May, though, I was declared cancer-free. Not the first time I'd been told that, of course, but this time I felt it was coming from someone who knew what they were doing.
And thus normalcy returned to my life. The only problem was that nothing remained from the last time my life was normal. I liken it to a song I wrote for my "Rules Get Broken" CD in 2000 (the song is "Falling From Space") about an astronaut who spends so much time up in space that when he returns to Earth, everyone he knows has long passed away, leaving him not quite knowing what to do with himself.
Knowing what to do with myself, figuring out where my passions lie these days and whatnot, is further complicated by figuring out a way to stay afloat financially. The thought of buying a tent and parking myself in the Rocky Mountains for the summer is still a possibility. Blow this whole popsicle stand for awhile. Knowutimean? But, as I've returned to Chicago recently, it has been nice being near family and friends again.
Plus, Chicago is just a really cool town.
Here's a mixtape for the week that explains in song what I've been feeling:
Believe In Yourself - The Godfathers
Great fucking song, great fucking band. Am looking forward to the results of their recent reunion. This song, from 1991's Unreal World, was a bit of a departure for them - probably the closest they ever came to the proverbial power ballad, complete with pick-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps lyrics. When I listened to this song earlier this week, I was feeling really down, really alone, and fuck if it didn't cheer me up just a bit to keep going.
You'll be no good to no one else
Until you learn to love yourself
These so-called friends
That you can't trust
They'll let you down, they'll cause a fuss
I thought about you yesterday
There's nothing more that I can say
Believe in yourself.
Hokey, yes, but so what?!
Color In Your Life - Missing Persons
Sometimes it takes a good blast of color to make you realize how long you've been living in black-and-white. I've been enamored as of late by the complexity and color found in the everyday things that I'd lost sight of over the past couple years. It saddens me on one hand to know how much time was lost, during a period where I did nothing more than fight just to stay afloat and keep existing. Now, of course, I want to make up for lost time, but the day is only so long and sometimes I lose myself in the beauty and detail found within a single rose. "Welcome to the festival", indeed.
Ashes In The Wind - Joan Jett & The Blackhearts
I honestly can't listen to this song without choking up just a little bit. Joan's a tough rocker chick, but damn if this song doesn't show a real vulnerability that I wish she'd explore more often (and leave that "Fetish" nonsense by the curb where it belongs).
Here I am before you
This is what I am
Tell me what you're thinkin'
Tell me where I stand, stand with you
I got a ring on my finger for every broken heart
I've got a line in a song for every time I was torn apart
I've got a past like a book, but I'll turn the page for you tonight
And if it takes all night I will be with you
'Til we get it right I will see it thru
Fire burns and it would be a sin
To let your passion turn to ashes in the wind
Of course, the reason it resonates with me so much is I can see my last girlfriend saying these very same words...over and over. Nothing sadder than only one person fighting for a relationship. In hindsight, she made a huge fucking sacrifice, leaving a marriage to be with me, and I just never even showed up. Even I got sick of using cancer as an excuse, but, fuck...my head just wasn't in the game and the third angel to grace me with her presence has made a hasty run for the door.
Drop Of Water - School Of Fish
Josh Clayton Felt and I had the same type of cancer. He didn't make it. I did. There's no rhyme or reason why the good ones die young and why Andy Dick will probably outlive us all...but I digress. The general theme of this tune is just how fragile life is, I think. The opening line, "It's too quiet in my head, I'm not dead, I'm alright" is oddly comforting, as if he's singing from the great beyond. In truth, it was recorded years before he would become ill. By all accounts, Josh was an awesome spirit and I miss having him around.
On Your Porch - The Format
I've yet to play this album for anyone and not have them go "Holy fuck, this is great. Who is this?" It's one of those great albums very few people know about. I gotta give props to my dawg Justin for playing it in his car on the way home from a night on the town. I'd been listening to some lame cover band for the past couple hours and remembering just being sick of music for the rest of the night. There was nothing that woulda made me sit up and take notice at 2AM. I just wanted to get home, fall into bed, and let my ears repair themselves, but when this song came on, I was floored. I had no idea who it was and was almost afraid to ask for fear it'd be one of those emo bands I always tease him for liking. "Fall Out Boy?! Fuck!" Thankfully, no.
My dad was sick
My mom, she cared for him
Her love, it nursed him back to life
And me, I ran
I couldn't even look at him
For fear I'd have to say goodbye
And as I start to leave
He grabs me by the shoulder and he tells me
Whats left to lose?
You've done enough
And if you fail, well then you fail, but not to us
Cuz these last three years, I know they've been hard
But now its time to get out of the desert and into the sun
Even if its alone
Heavy. Goddamn.
Godless - Dandy Warhols (Massive Attack Remix)
Do I believe in God? I guess I do. I find myself praying to somebody. But I gotta tell you, "His plan" makes no fucking sense. I don't mind saying so. Anyhoo, I'm a big Dandy-head and I love this remix of "Godless". For me, it surpasses the original version that's on 13 Tales. I've actually driven to Vegas with this song on repeat and was digging it the whole way. I just remember driving around this curve on the I-15 where the Vegas skyline suddenly blossoms out of the desert and seeing the light shooting up from the Luxor with this song playing and thinking it was perfect.
