My Thoughts on Jennifer and Angelina

You know, it still kills me that People Magazine (and a few other like-minded wastes of paper) can't go an issue without at least some mention of the whole Jen/Angelina thing. Of course, this month's Vogue features a Jennifer Aniston cover story/interview and some tidbits from the interview are now making the rounds on the Associated Press news wire. The general vibe of the AP article is that Jen is now able to admit publicly that what Angelina by falling for Brad on the set of the film Mr. And Mrs. Smith was "uncool."

What's most appalling is that Brad and Jen were officially divorced in October 2005 and it's still the go-to "topic-of-choice" for People, National Enquirer and their brethren some three years later. Now, of course, an otherwise reputable rag like Vogue needs to remind everyone that they're still around every six months or so, so they resort to covering, you guessed it, Jen and Angelina so that AP will have something to dish about.

Sigh.

Apparently, none of this will die down until I, your friendly neighrborhood rock blogger, finally check in with my opinion on the whole Jen/Brad/Angelina thing. If it'll help put this non-story to rest once and for all, believe me, I'm more than happy to do my part.

So here goes:

First off, let me just say that Brad Pitt is a putz. The guy has all the personality and depth of a guy who has never ever had to have any personality or depth because, well, he's pretty easy on the eyes. He's a mimbo. Or is that himbo?

Whatever.

Jen, on the other hand, is an attractive woman with a nice rack in a city full of attractive women with nice racks. Had she not won the lotto by landing the role on "Friends", I seriously doubt, we'd be talking about her now. I mean, she's hot and I'd probably walk through broken glass to drink her bath water if I didn't have anything else going on at that particular moment, but, all things considered, she's not overly remarkable.

I mean, I worked with a woman at my last job whose beauty and natural endowments (for lack of a better word) were stunning. I mean stunning! Multiply Jessica Alba times ten and you're still not even half the way there. If she ever lands a gig on an NBC sitcom, I can guarantee every man in America will have a thirty-minute erection once a week.

Most importantly, Angelina Jolie wouldn't stand a chance of stealing her man. If she tries, this women would have Ms. Jolie spitting teeth.

This, of course, brings me back to poor Jen, who, three years later, is only barely able to muster any real heat on the subject of the woman who stole her man. In the Vogue piece, Aniston is quoted as saying, "There was stuff printed there that was definitely from a time when I was unaware that it was happening. I felt those details were a little inappropriate to discuss. That stuff about how she couldn't wait to get to work every day? That was really uncool."

Wow. I'm all for being diplomatic - wait, who am I kidding? I've never been a proponent of diplomacy. The truth of the matter is that if Jen is ever going to find true happiness, she needs to come out of her shell a bit.

Maybe instead of saying what she said up above, she needs to say what she's really thinking, which is "That little bitch talks about not being the sort of woman to ever steal another woman's man and then what does she do? She steals my man. Now, I know Brad was as blank as a fart, but he was nice to look at and not bad to wake up to each morning, but he was mine. Angelina may as well have come into my house and stole my 52" inch plasma screen television. If she had tried that shit while I was there, I'd have planted my foot so far up her ass there'd be an Adidas logo on the roof of her mouth. Uncool don't even begin to describe it."

Jolie has done a masterful job of cultivating a holier-than-thou mystique in light of the fact that she's a manipulative, lying sack of shit and a man-stealing one at that.

Jen seems to have come out of this with very little public sympathy while Brad and Angie are more popular than ever, their every move covered by a salivating tabloid press.

If Jen, just once, came out swinging, she'd turn the tables once and for all on these two vacuous love birds.